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The Phantom Five-fer


Posted by Joe Quinn on 31/05/2017 16:22


Fresh off the back of a fantaSTic (and firST) win of the season against the HICCs in a T20, a very banterous Tavs side made their way to Ally Pally to try and secure their first proper win of the season, in a proper game of a normal amount of overs.

There was some pre-game banter about who has won a game this season, who has won all their games this season, and who has not won a game at all this season. It was clear from the outset skipper Cheater Thompson was focused solely on destroying the opposition and getting his first win of the season under his belt. We stood around and talked nonsense, Stan took his top off, Barry was making all sorts of funny arse noises and games of straight arm and T-Rex warm up catchies took place. Normal pre-game service resumed.

Joe urged the skipper to bowl first, the skipper was utterly disgusted at the suggestion, almost as disgusted as someone who had ordered Welsh Rarebit on toast but had in fact just received watery plastic cheese between two slices of Lidl’s own brand white bread and paid £7 for the pleasure. Luckily, the skipper lost the toss and APCC opted to bat.

Thompson banded together his merry faction of already too sweaty Tavs and delivered a rousing speech. Like Harriet ready to receive a drunken slobbering McGuinness in the early hours of a Saturday morning under the bridge at Finsbury Park, the Tavs were ready. So focused that we had forgotten to prepare a keeper. Skipper and Pinhead duly fined, as it was quite clearly marked on the team sheet.

The Foodster opened up with pace and accuracy, aided by levels of swing that were rarely seen outside the four walls of Barry’s shed. Supported by one-fer at the other end, bowling with his usual pace and accuracy. A sweaty opening partnership. Cue the champagne moment; an edge to gully was superbly stopped by the Skipper’s size 19 sports direct shoe, the batsmen took off for a risky single, and with all the agility and elegance of Peter Kay in a John Smith’s advert the skipper picked up and hurled the ball at the bowler’s end, clattering off stump. A fantastic bit of fielding to get the break through.  Ollie got a deserved wicket, bowling their number 3. After taking a bit of tap, Bobby bowled a leg side full toss to lure the batsman in, and JB took a good catch at square leg to remove the dangerous opener. 3 down, Tavs in control. A small partnership formed for APCC, some good attacking play putting away the bad balls. Cometh the hour cometh the South African. Stanley has been due a handful of wickets and today was his day. He clean bowled batsmen 4 and 5 with late in-swingers. Then had number 6 and 8 absolutely plumb. The batsmen were unable to handle the pressure that had been building up. Stan was backed up by Alo at the other end, bowling accurately and with decent pace. Alo took a proper cricket wicket, clipping the off bail with a fast swinging delivery removing number 7, unlucky not to get more wickets. Stan should have had a Michelle, but was denied by Joe who forgot where he was and for reasons unknown took the bails off with the gloves before the ball was inside edged onto the batsman’s pad and trickled slowly on to the bail-less stumps. Let’s just move on shall we. Yes? Good. What followed this moment of madness was arguably the most boring 10 overs of cricket I’ve ever been involved in, a combination of supreme accuracy from JB and Baz and the batsmen unwilling to play any kind of attacking shot. JB and Baz bowled very well, JB taking a wicket and Baz going for only 3 runs in 5 overs. Redser chucked down his usual firebombs, hooping all over the place, zooming past the batsman’s grill. Their number 9 couldn’t take any more of the Redman’s hostility and voluntarily chipped one to Starkings at mid wicket, glad that he didn’t have to endure any more physical and mental abuse. All out for 133. An excellent team performance in the field, they were not a bad batting side at all.

Our innings was largely uneventful. Dom and Joe went out, as it started to rain, with 134 needed to win. With no scoreboard pressure at all, we got to 90 for no loss. Dom attacking the bowlers, playing some classic Danos sweeps and drives and getting to 57 before being caught at cover. Joe, with the game basically won and having absolutely zero interest in batting with Starkings, missed a straight one and followed Dom back to the hutch. The Cheater and PMXS finished the game off with a couple of lusty blows. One six each. Starkings hit a six, must have been at least 35 yards. The game was won in the 23rd over with 8 wickets to spare.

Special mention to Jeremy for turning up in horrible golf attire and waving print outs from his PDF on the sidelines. JT turned up around 10 overs in to the game to take his alcoholic intake for the day in to triple figure units. Sam and Twig were cuddling on the side and playing with each others hair. Swampy came along as well to tell Twig, JT and Sam that he scored a ton the other week, in case they hadn’t seen one of his facebook, Instagram, twitter, myspace or bebo posts.

We all went back to the Prince. Redser turned up for fines after having to go home to change into his nicest beige shorts, beige socks and brown suede shoes. It was a bank holiday, everyone got smashed. Chants of “Lagers, lagers, lagers” were heard. And it all ended in beers.